Wednesday, March 16, 2011
It's About Time...
I've been sitting on this new blog for months. Putting it off until I could do a new banner, add my links, blah blah blah....Procrastination (money, and low self worth) is the root of all evil. I'm sure of it.
I had big plans of introducing this blog with something profound. With the story of why it's named "She Runs". But honestly, I have other things on my mind today.
My baby sis called yesterday. She'd been to see the doc, and he's decided to start medicating her Diabetes. I'm sick. I wanna scream to God "WHY???".
She is almost 11 years younger than me. We are my mom's only two children. I vividly remember when she was born. Oh I hated her for being a girl. I had wanted a little brother so so bad! That hate only lasted until I was allowed to visit her and my mother in the hospital. I can remember mom letting me help change her diapers to get her ready to come home. And yes, there were several diapers. LOL. Just the sight of her and I was instantly in love with her. And instantly determined to always be her protector and the best big sister EVER.
It hasn't worked out that way. At all.
She and I are polar opposites. She was always the active one in high school. Involved in all kinds of extra curricular activities. My extra activities were work and hanging out with my friends or having the phone glued to my ear. She had to work hard to get good grades. It came easy for me so I never applied myself. She went to church. I partied. We are just so different. I often joke that she got the halo and I got the horns. :) But, even with all the differences, we have always been very close and I have always loved her very much.
She recently turned 24 and just before her birthday was told she is diabetic, but it could be controlled through diet and exercise. "Ok", I thought, "it's not that bad". And I pushed all the shock away. Until yesterday. Now it's medication. And once again I'm frustrated and angry. Why her? Of the two of us, it should be me. That's only fair. She's taken good care of herself, while I have taken my good health for granted. And it is something that is beyond my control, and that makes me so so angry.
I had it all planned out. Because I had so much crap to deal with, she would get it easy. Anything bad that would happen, would happen to me and she would get to have a wonderful life. I've been great with that. Offered it up. Begged for it to be so.
God didn't see it my way. And this is not the first time either.
I'm not so naive to not realize that we all have our own path to walk. That each of our lives will be full to different kinds of happiness, and difficulties. And that bad things happen to good people. I accept that, I live that. But...this is my SISTER! I can apply that knowledge to everyone else I know. Loved ones who have suffered and died from cancer, lost spouses or children, been born with serious handicaps, I can accept that all is a part of life. Just not with her or my children. I finally realize I don't have that kind of power. It's not in my hands. And I feel like a failure. Once again I couldn't stop something that should NOT have happened to someone I love so much. I am powerless.