Monday, January 10, 2011
So amid all my "New Year's Revolution" stuff I mentioned I started the Gut Art Class offered by Mystele Kirkeeng. All I can say is WOW!
After watching her introductory videos I knew I was in the right place. Finding my creative spirit again is huge for me. And in that I'm also very much wanting to discover my voice. My SELF. To create from ME, and only be inspired by the work of others, not influenced. To create with MY voice, not use someone else's. I want to discover and get to know ME. Seems easy enough. HA! Not so much!!!
When you're in a place that you finally want to get to know who you really are, that damn 4-letter word, FEAR, sneaks up and bites you right in the ass! One thing about myself and fear, it really pisses me off! Grandpa taught me that. He did his very best to teach me to never ever be afraid of anything. I've spent years being afraid and stuffing it down. Hiding it. Ignoring it. Pretending it wasn't there.
Week 1, first project of Gut Art. I'm scared...oh yea, real scared. But the desire to kick fear's butt is stronger. No longer denying it, or pretending it isn't there, now I'm just out to beat it. So I, not so politely, tell fear to shut up. He can come along for the ride, but we ARE doing this. I drag myself to my studio, sit at my desk, dig out the graph paper, and tune in to ME. Shutting out everything else around me, focusing on the "inside". Focusing on the emotion, the stirrings, of ME. And I'm sick. Fear is hen pecking me like crazy! "You really don't want to know Heather. You really don't want to see what lies beneath. Don't go there. Don't do it. You won't like what you find. It hurts, remember! Remember how bad it hurts!" Doesn't matter. I let fear chatter away, and keep pushing forward. And I metaphorically throw up. All over that graph paper. 30 minutes tops. I stand and walk away from the desk. Covered in goosebumps, and elephant sized tears in my eyes. And I feel...good. Peace. I let go. Of something. A little piece of something that has held me back for a long long time. I unburied it and threw it out into the space outside of ME. Gave it back to wherever it came from in the fist place. I no longer need it.
And so it begins....