Saturday, January 8, 2011
New Year's Revolution
I hate resolutions. I always have. Mine has always been not to make any. So as 2010 came to an end I found myself really wanting to focus on finishing out the year with really no thoughts of 2011. However, Jan. 1, it was on! I've spent the last week really thinking about my life, who I am, who I'm becoming, and what I want. And a New Year's Revolution is in order. Piss on the resolution crap (still!).
So much has changed the last two years. I've lost almost everything I thought was valuable to me. Hurt people I loved. Been hurt by people I loved. Hurt myself. Beat the every living hell out of myself with shame and guilt. Found new hope, new beginnings, new love, new friends, and a new acceptance of myself.
I really want those who have been hurt to know that was never my intention. EVER! And while it may be comforting for you to believe that somehow I've enjoyed it, nothing could be further from the truth. Walking away from a marriage, a home, a life I had worked so hard for, was well.....devastating. And if that wasn't bad enough, losing my life's work was the icing on the cake. One of the few things I took pride it came crashing down too. And the minute that started happening, the one person in the world who was supposed to support me bailed. Proving that as long as I stayed where I was, it would always be about the money. Brutal lesson for me to learn.
Much of what has happened was beyond my control. And much of it was also based on choices I was forced to make before I felt I was ready too. I did the best I could. I know that. And I don't regret any of it. But it's time to let it all go now.
2011 has found me in a new place. Where I'm finally ready and willing to dig through all my crap, release it, get rid of it, and move forward. I'm going to finish out January focusing on the changes I want to make this year and setting them in motion. First on the list, find my creative spirit again and use it to help heal old wounds. Thanks to Dale Ann Potter for posting some artwork on Facebook which lead me to finding the Gut Art class I'm now taking. It's really so amazing how God steps in when he knows you're serious about following your path and cleaning up your crap. He did that for me through Dale Ann, and this class.