Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Because I don't feel like it...
Because I don't feel like it. Translation...I'm scared.
Woke up this morning fully intending to follow my normal Wed. routine. Thinking about what to post here, and coming up with NOTHING. I don't feel like posting. Normally I would just not post, because I don't feel like it. But today is different. I ask myself, "why?". And the answer is very simple. And it's very much a pattern with me.
I do not know how to be the center of attention. I don't like it. It makes me VERY uncomfortable. I was raised being told "Little girls are to be seen, not heard." And I have carried that mentality throughout my life. Anytime there was cause for me to be the focus of anything I've ran away and hid in the corner. And when I was pushed to remain in the spotlight, I froze.
At 15 I had decided to follow my older step sister's lead and try out for Cheerleader. (I'm giggling right now cuz that is SO NOT ME) I went through all the practices, learned all the routines, and at the last minute decided not to follow through. My mother was having NONE of that, and REFUSED to let me off the hook. I managed to awkwardly get through the group part of tryouts, (anxiety constantly building), and then it's time for our individual routines. And in front of the judges, my parents, and a nice little pack of my peers...I FROZE SOLID! Totally forgot my routine. On the verge of tears and rolling through waves of embarrassment, I stumbled my way through it and promptly ran away. Needless to say, I never tried out again.
There was a small sense of accomplishment I felt for simply following through, but the humiliation I suffered seemed to drown that out.
Fast forward to 34. I'm no longer a little girl that believes she should be seen and not heard. I've shit-canned that idea. (And never ONCE spoke those words to my children.) I watch this blog start to grow, I see the comments, the new followers here and at Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook. As a knee-jerk reaction, I want to run. I want to not post anything for the next 6 months and hide until everyone forgets me. Because really, what could I possibly say that anyone would want to hear? THIS is all SO out of my comfort zone. Which is EXACTLY why I'm posting anyway. I'm posting to push through that fear of humiliation, to broaden my comfort zone, and to grow.
You may not take anything from this blog. I may NOT have anything to say that will be valid to you. But I remind myself, I'm doing this for ME. And if somehow, I do happen to inspire, influence, or comfort someone who reads this, that is just frosting for me. And if I piss you off, well, I have still taken a step outside of my box. For right now, that is all that matters. No more running away...now it's just running forward. At the end of the day, all I know is how to run. I'm just changing directions.