Monday, May 9, 2011
Falling into Me...
I'm a bit disappointed in myself for not posting for a month. It's been busy and exhausting. As the rest of this one will be. I haven't created much of anything. And it shows in every aspect of my life. Another wake up call.
I am a spiritual person. I always have been. I've spent my whole life asking questions like "why am I here?", "what is my purpose?", and the big one "what did God put me on this planet for?". So many questions and just too blind to see the most obvious answers.
But I'm starting to get it. To realize my place on this earth, and my purpose. The last month has been huge for me in personal growth. I'm grateful for that. Even though it can be oh so painful sometimes.
I actually considered giving it all up last week. Giving up my art. Giving up creating anything and just living a "normal" life. (Define that for me if you can please, what really constitutes "normal"?). And the simple thought of that sent me so far over the edge I can't even begin to explain. My life would lose all meaning if I didn't view things the way I do, with a creative eye. I would never again have "moments". And everything would just zoom by me with no shape, no feeling, and no purpose. I would have no purpose. I would simply be a shell. A zombie with no care or concern for anyone or anything. I would be...nothing. And I felt the full impact of that and what it would do to me. A dark hole of LOST I would never dig myself out of.
In those moments I realized how much creativity is just ME. And it really never has been about making money, pleasing others, being validated, being accepted, or recognition. I've done what I've done simply because it is who I am. It is my purpose and it IS the way God created me. HE made me this way! And it really is a beautiful something. That is my purpose in this life! To grow through art and creativity. To learn to feed my soul. To learn how to fall into myself and get comfortable. To share that path with others and hopefully inspire someone else to learn to just be themselves and love it. To learn it really is OK to go get a new barbed wire tattoo (and I did), because THAT is my way of self expression. I'm learning to express my full self on the outside, and while it scares the HELL out of me, I have never been so comfortable with myself in my life. And the only way I will be able to keep myself balanced is to keep doing that.
I will keep creating. I will keep taking pictures. I will yard sale all the crap in my house that is no longer an expression of me. I will not be afraid to get a new tattoo because of what everyone will think. I will not be afraid to let myself be me anymore. And I will love who I am. Even though I'm a complicated train wreck, I still believe there is beauty in tragedy. And I am only just beginning to find the beauty in myself.
A good friend told me a couple months back, "Heather, you hold a big part of yourself from the world. You need to learn to stop that and let it out. Those things you hide are some of your best qualities in my opinion." I love good friends. And she was right. There is so much more to me that what I allow the outside world to see. I'm learning to embrace that part of my self. And share it more with those I love. And it really is making all the difference.