Thursday, August 16, 2012

An Ugly Truth...

There are days I'm just not grateful.  I hate to admit that.  It's shameful.   But it is an unfortunate truth about myself.  I don't like it and try very hard to change it.  Ungratefulness breeds frustration, anxiety, hatefulness and self-pity.  None if which are productive.

August has been brutal.  We ended July with Darren being in an accident.  His injuries were not life threatening however very easily could have been.  He is very "lucky" to say the least.  I spent the first few days after in some place I can't quite explain.  Being so damn grateful I wasn't planning a funeral brought on a huge wave of other emotions.  I've been a bit of a mess ever since.  Trying to keep our life as "normal" as possible while he's recovering has been overwhelming.  My balancing act has been less than graceful.  Yet here we are, August 16, near three weeks later and I'm still hanging on.  We are all still hanging on.

Most of last week I was just pissed off.  I don't know how else to say it.  Angry there was an accident, angry there were so many extra details to be taken care of, angry he wasn't healing faster, angry the kids were going back to school, angry I was tired, angry I was feeling ungrateful, angry I was angry, and really...the core of all the be reminded once again that I am not Superwoman and am still very weak.  Yes, I am still very human.  Damn it!  All the while telling myself, this too will pass.

We will all get through this.  We'll come out on the other end and be ok.  I know this.  However it doesn't make the path any easier.  I really wanted a nice positive post for today, but I'm not entirely feeling it, so it's just the ugly truth.  I am less than perfect.  But I am also still strong enough to carry on.  Strong enough to admit I'm still very weak sometimes and strong enough to realize I've been a bit selfish and and foolish in my behavior.  I still have so much to be grateful for and will not allow myself to waste that feeling sorry for myself.

My kids gave me this for my birthday.  It resides in our living room wall.  A constant reminder of what really matters.

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