Permission To Not Be Positive All The Time

Last week an old friend of mine commented on one of my Facebook posts something along the lines of "how great to wake up with such positivity every day".  I had a few moments of panic.  Is that how I come across?  Have I been dishonest with my social media presence?  Am I one of those people who online dresses up their life to be perfect and without flaws?  Holy shit I hope not!  Here's the reality....

I do not wake up positive every day.  As a matter of fact I don't even want too.  I let go of the unachievable goal that everything, including myself, is always going to be rainbows and butterflies.  It's unrealistic and far from healthy.  I also believe it defeats the purpose of the "human experience".  We are intended to experience life on all levels.  Happiness, gratitude, peace, abundance, dosed with insecurities, tragedies, sadness, depression and illness, is all part of the living experience.  It's the duality of the world we live in that helps us grown and learn.  How do you ever learn true happiness without sorrow?  The trick is learning to accept both sides of the duality exactly as they are.  Finding the beauty not only in the happy, but the sad as well.  Being somehow grateful for the growing pains because they ARE pushing you to grow

I choose not to "whine" on social media because I see so much "negativity" online and that shit spreads.  "Poor me" leads to more "poor me" and "oh yeah, well my life is more horrible than yours because of ......".  I don't like that crap so I choose not to go there.  I call it taking responsibility for my own energy and what I put out into the world.  Now that's not to say that when The Big White guy walks through the door at night he doesn't often times hear "so ya wanna know what really pissed me off today?".  Actually, that happens a lot.  I share my stories, my pain, and my insecurities with him because I TRUST him and know that bottling all that crap up is so NOT good for me.  He is my sounding board.  He is my person I can talk about all the "crap" of life with and know that it's ok and he's not going to carry it with him.  He knows me well enough to know I'm just working things out in my own head.  He's also strong enough to understand it's not about him and to not let it effect him.  He listens.  I think everyone should have a "person" to just listen, because again, carrying crap is NOT good!  Having that "person" who listens allows me to work through it and let it go.  It also gives me another point of view that I probably hadn't considered; which leads to more growth.

I allow myself to not be positive all the time.  Even trying to be positive all the time is just too big of a task for me to live up to and I won't put that kind of pressure on myself.  It leaves the door wide open for self abuse when I can't meet that expectation.  I give myself permission to feel the ugly stuff too.  You know what I mean.  All the "if I was really a good person I wouldn't feel ________" (jealousy, shame, anger, fear, guilt, insert what ever 'shouldn't' word here).  I allow myself to acknowledge I'm feeling those things so I can learn from them.  I allow myself to be human.  What I have found in that permission is that it really is easier to let things go.  I'm more aware of the days I'm a little off beat and can be a bit more tender with myself.  I communicate better with those I love.  I understand myself better.  I don't stuff crap which leaves more room for the good stuff, ie. love, happiness, gratitude, peace, and abundance (and yes, to me abundance can be a very big emotion).  I'm also able to look back on a not so positive experience and find the goodness and growth in it.  I often wait to post until after I have gotten to this place so I can share it as positive growth rather than painful whiny growth. (I'm a silver lining human)  I'm just not all about spreading low self worth and bad juju around.  I want what I spread in the world to come from a place of unconditional love and genuine humanity.  We need more of that, not more self pity.  However I also understand the importance of acknowledging the truth about our "not so positive" days.

To some degree I appreciate that online I'm perceived as positive all the time.  However that's not really the truth.  The truth is I'm not, I just don't like spreading my own "blah" around and really don't see what purpose it would serve in helping anyone or anything.  I've never seen anyone get inspired from that behavior and my goal is to encourage and inspire.  Sometimes that requires me to feel the crap too and process my way through it.  So....permission granted to be human.  :)

Gratitude and Curiosity, The Spices of My Life

I took a character strength quiz a few years ago.  It was no surprise to me when Gratitude showed up as #1 and Curiosity came it at #2.  These two elements of who I am are the salt and pepper to my everyday life.

From the time I was very young I was taught that there is something good in every experience.  No matter how painful, there is always something good that comes with the bad.  It comes naturally for me to look for the silver lining, my curiosity wouldn't have it any other way.  I'm grateful for that.

The last couple of weeks have been a bit crazy.  A few days after we got home from our ride I headed out to Callao Ut to visit my son and see exactly what his new job consists of.  The girls and I went with him to do his chores, get the grand tour of the ranch, and visit Indian Farm canyon and some ponds nearby.  It's so so beautiful out there.  Then Monday morning it was time to load up and get my oldest daughter to Volleyball camp.  Lots of traveling for this girl lately.

I had a feeling the day before we headed out to Callao that I was going to blow a tire during the trip.  Sure enough, just before I headed back in to town, I lost a rear.  Lucky for us we were on a dirt road and I was driving pretty slow.  My boy and I (along with some very appreciated help here and there) managed to get the spare on an get me back on the road.  I didn't realize how very lucky we were until yesterday.  After having a new tire put on I noticed that a vibration I had noticed a few weeks earlier was all but gone.  Turns out that tire was coming apart long before I blew it.  There had been several trips, with speeds of up to 80mph, before the blowout.  Most of which someone I love dearly was with me.  Gratitude at it's finest right there folks!  That tire was gonna go no matter what.  My family and I were being watched over to have it happen where it did.  Once again we were all taken care of.  Still today, doing this blog post, it starts the water works.  Great big tears of gratitude.

I don't know first hand the adversities and challenges other families face.  I only know ours and my own.  I know it was my curiosity that led me to the people that mean the most in my life and my gratitude that enables me to express my genuine love and admiration for them.  I know the gratitude for my children and the curiosity to see how my son is doing his work led me to Callao and quite possibly prevented one of us from being seriously injured.  All that along with the divine hand of God protecting us.

Without curiosity I would not be where I am.  I would not be able to call myself an artist.  I would not have found the love of my life.  I would not have the children I do.  I would have never got on a motorcycle.  Never traveled to Canada.  Never experienced all the amazing things I have and I would not live the adventures I do daily.

Without gratitude I wouldn't even know how much I love those closest to me.  I wouldn't understand how blessed I am.  I wouldn't even be able to conceive all the beauty in my life.  Especially when things get tough.  I simply would not understand the gift that has been given to me to live in this body, with these people, and GET to experience all the dynamics of life with them.

So on the days when I'm being tested, when my bank account says I'm so screwed, when things are changing (as they always do), when the darkness starts creeping back in, I take a big step back and allow myself to see the beauty even in the hard.  I allow myself to be grateful for the experience and allow my curiosity to keep my patient enough to see how it's all going to turn out.