Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Me? Unsocial? Ok Maybe...

I've been going through this thing the last several months.  I have no desire to leave the house (unless it's for a Harley ride).  I don't want to talk to anyone.  I don't want to hang out.  I don't want to socialize.  I just want to stay in my bubble.  I was almost feeling bad about that, until, I seen this...

Now I have to make sure that the people I care about understand this is about me, not them.  I just don't have it in me right now.  Keeping up with everyone on Facebook is sufficient for me right now.  As a matter of fact, it's about all I can handle period.

I have ALWAYS enjoyed my solitude.  I think that must come from being an only child for the first 10 years of my life.  I've never needed other people to fill a hole, or entertain me, or share space with me.  I just really enjoy being alone.  I enjoy a simple daily life that consists of my big white guy, my mom, and my kids for human interaction.  Now it's time to get real. 

I cannot stand to watch people hurt, suffer, and mistreat other people.  It seems like there's been a lot of that going on the last couple years.  People dying, people sick, people struggling more than usual in their own lives, people being flat out assholes to serve some personal agenda, and I just don't want to deal with how those things make me feel.

I tend to be a "fixer".  In my mind there is a solution to every problem and everyone should get to eat rainbows and shit butterflies.  There's so much of what happens in life I don't understand.  Why do people with families who love them die?  Why do good good people get cancer?  Why do people who were supposed to be good friends turn out to be shit stirring assholes?  I don't get any of that.  I'll be completely honest and say I've chosen to remove myself from those circumstances because it's the easy way out.  It has nothing to do with if I care or not.  In fact it has everything to do with maybe I care TOO much.  Self preservation I guess.

I have my own life.  My own family.  My own responsibilities.  My own goals.  As selfish as that sounds it is the truth.  After a few really crappy events which involved narrow minded judgements, disrespect, and a lack of personal responsibility with those involved, I've chosen to just be done with it.  As far as the innocent bystanders all I can say is I just need some time.  I need to focus on myself and those closest to me.  These are the people I'm going to grow old with.  These are the people I share my space with.  These are the people who I'm on my journey with at the deepest level.  I feel like those are the relationships that need my energy and my attention right now.  My goals also need my energy and attention.

The benefit to my withdraw has been a more peaceful home.  I'm not losing as much sleep at night worrying over situations I can't control.  I'm not as frustrated.  The bond with those I live with is deeper than ever.  There's not so much energy being sucked from the outside.  I'm happier.  I'm more creative.  I'm working more.  There's less distractions.  And the people who I really care about, and who really care about me, don't seem to mind at all.  They understand this is my season of solitude and being removed from the outside world.  They also know me well enough to know it won't last forever and respect me enough to give me my space.  I love that!  I love friends who just get it and don't feel the need to take it personally.  Those are the best people to have in your life.  The ones who accept you for all your goodness AND  your imperfections.

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