Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Permission To Not Be Positive All The Time

Last week an old friend of mine commented on one of my Facebook posts something along the lines of "how great to wake up with such positivity every day".  I had a few moments of panic.  Is that how I come across?  Have I been dishonest with my social media presence?  Am I one of those people who online dresses up their life to be perfect and without flaws?  Holy shit I hope not!  Here's the reality....

I do not wake up positive every day.  As a matter of fact I don't even want too.  I let go of the unachievable goal that everything, including myself, is always going to be rainbows and butterflies.  It's unrealistic and far from healthy.  I also believe it defeats the purpose of the "human experience".  We are intended to experience life on all levels.  Happiness, gratitude, peace, abundance, dosed with insecurities, tragedies, sadness, depression and illness, is all part of the living experience.  It's the duality of the world we live in that helps us grown and learn.  How do you ever learn true happiness without sorrow?  The trick is learning to accept both sides of the duality exactly as they are.  Finding the beauty not only in the happy, but the sad as well.  Being somehow grateful for the growing pains because they ARE pushing you to grow

I choose not to "whine" on social media because I see so much "negativity" online and that shit spreads.  "Poor me" leads to more "poor me" and "oh yeah, well my life is more horrible than yours because of ......".  I don't like that crap so I choose not to go there.  I call it taking responsibility for my own energy and what I put out into the world.  Now that's not to say that when The Big White guy walks through the door at night he doesn't often times hear "so ya wanna know what really pissed me off today?".  Actually, that happens a lot.  I share my stories, my pain, and my insecurities with him because I TRUST him and know that bottling all that crap up is so NOT good for me.  He is my sounding board.  He is my person I can talk about all the "crap" of life with and know that it's ok and he's not going to carry it with him.  He knows me well enough to know I'm just working things out in my own head.  He's also strong enough to understand it's not about him and to not let it effect him.  He listens.  I think everyone should have a "person" to just listen, because again, carrying crap is NOT good!  Having that "person" who listens allows me to work through it and let it go.  It also gives me another point of view that I probably hadn't considered; which leads to more growth.

I allow myself to not be positive all the time.  Even trying to be positive all the time is just too big of a task for me to live up to and I won't put that kind of pressure on myself.  It leaves the door wide open for self abuse when I can't meet that expectation.  I give myself permission to feel the ugly stuff too.  You know what I mean.  All the "if I was really a good person I wouldn't feel ________" (jealousy, shame, anger, fear, guilt, insert what ever 'shouldn't' word here).  I allow myself to acknowledge I'm feeling those things so I can learn from them.  I allow myself to be human.  What I have found in that permission is that it really is easier to let things go.  I'm more aware of the days I'm a little off beat and can be a bit more tender with myself.  I communicate better with those I love.  I understand myself better.  I don't stuff crap which leaves more room for the good stuff, ie. love, happiness, gratitude, peace, and abundance (and yes, to me abundance can be a very big emotion).  I'm also able to look back on a not so positive experience and find the goodness and growth in it.  I often wait to post until after I have gotten to this place so I can share it as positive growth rather than painful whiny growth. (I'm a silver lining human)  I'm just not all about spreading low self worth and bad juju around.  I want what I spread in the world to come from a place of unconditional love and genuine humanity.  We need more of that, not more self pity.  However I also understand the importance of acknowledging the truth about our "not so positive" days.

To some degree I appreciate that online I'm perceived as positive all the time.  However that's not really the truth.  The truth is I'm not, I just don't like spreading my own "blah" around and really don't see what purpose it would serve in helping anyone or anything.  I've never seen anyone get inspired from that behavior and my goal is to encourage and inspire.  Sometimes that requires me to feel the crap too and process my way through it.  So....permission granted to be human.  :)

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